Category Archives: Resources

Sexual Addiction Recovery One Day At a Time

October 16, 2014Healthy sexuality, Resources, Sex addiction recovery, Symptoms, problems, causessex addiction, sexual addiction recoveryjeffschultz

You’ve been working hard on your sexual addiction recovery and you’re making real progress. People are starting to notice “the new you,” and comment on the positive changes they see, and congratulate you on your new outlook. This terrifies you. What if all this work is for nothing? What if you go right back to where you were before? What if? What if? What if?

Has this ever happened to you? Dwelling on questions about an uncertain future? Who we are today is the sum total of our past experiences, but that does not mean that we cannot change. So many of us are victims of our own bad habits, but we can become survivors of those habits. We do not have to settle for the person we were. Although we cannot rewrite history, we can move forward and write a new story for our lives.

You may have heard the saying, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift.” Worrying takes a great deal of mental energy and robs us of that gift. If we stop dwelling on the past and the “what ifs” of the future, and channel that energy into who we are today, then life would seem, and be, different. Instead of questioning, we will be doing. And by putting all that energy toward every today we live, we will stop questioning tomorrow because we are succeeding, every day. The past is the past. We can learn from it or we can repeat it. It is what we do with today that counts. Focus on the here and now rather than looking over your shoulder. There’s a reason that the motto of many fellowships is “One day at a time.” Because it works. Live your sexual addiction recovery one day at a time.

Think you may have a problem? Take out online sex addiction test with instant results.

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What Does Sexual Addiction Look Like?

September 25, 2014For partners, Healthy sexuality, Pornography help, Resources, Sex addiction recovery, Symptoms, problems, causesjeffschultz

The answer may surprise you. It looks like you, or me, or your neighbor down the street. Sex addicts don’t “stand out” from the crowd. We have families, go to work or school, might be community leaders or even spiritual leaders. We’re college presidents and college students. CEOs and mail clerks. Beauticians and physicians. We are regular people, just like the person in the mirror.

There is no “face of sexual addiction.”

You won’t identify an addict the way you might a meth addict, who wears his addiction on his face, or an alcoholic, who manages to get drunk at every opportunity, or the food addict, who can’t seem to stop eating. People addicted to sex are normal people who have an abnormal need to act out. We Addicts use sexual activity to seek pleasure, avoid unpleasant feelings or respond to outside stressors, such as work difficulties or interpersonal problems. This is not unlike how an alcoholic uses alcohol. In both instances, any reward gained from the experience soon gives way to guilt, remorse and promises to change. need to satisfy a craving deep within that often has very little to do with sexual satisfaction.

A sex addict might use his addiction for power, or to relieve stress, or to avoid problems in his daily life. It’s an escape mechanism, much the way alcohol is for an alcoholic. There are dozens of theories about how sex addiction has to do with biochemical changes in the brain, but I don’t want to dwell on the brain right now; this book isn’t about “how did this happen?” but more about “what do I do now?” It’s about recognizing the face of sex addiction and figuring out how to help yourself to escape the trap in which you find yourself.

Consider the case of Sam G:

How did he get to be a sex addict?

Sam was your average 35-year old with an MBA and a great job that had the makings of a brilliant career. He had a wife, 2.5 kids, and a pretty house with two cars in the garage. The future looked bright for Sam and his family. But with that great job came a lot of stress, and he started to use the Internet on his lunch hour to wind down and relax.

Sam’s “extracurricular activity” had started innocently enough. He’d been trolling websites on the Internet one day, when he happened upon a racy looking site with scantily-clad girls in provocative poses. The girls were gorgeous, and what healthy man, married or not, didn’t like to look? With a lot of quiet time at work, there was just so much opportunity to view more and more of the sites. Sam noticed that the girls seemed to be getting younger and sexier looking but he shoved any misgivings to the back of his mind – he was enjoying himself too much.

Until the day he was called into the boss’s office. They knew what he was looking at in all those hours he was supposed to be working. They would not press charges, to report him to the police, but he was fired and told to leave immediately.

Now he had no job, but that wasn’t the worst part of this mess. How in the world was he going to tell his wife what happened?

Does sexual addiction sound familiar? Does this ring a bell about someone you know or someone you heard about, or even someone in your family? What started out as a seemingly innocent pastime turned into a criminal act capable of ruining a lot of lives.

Think you may have a problem? Take out online sex addiction test with instant results.

If you know you need help and are ready to get started go to or contact page and reach out for more information.

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Confessions of a Self-Soother

June 16, 2012Resourcesjeffschultz

Playing Alone Was Soothing

I remember my basement.

The hard concrete floor, the thin carpet and the bright fluorescent lights. There were plastic models, puzzles, colored markers, and heaps of Legos. Even a little record player.

My basement was a sanctuary.

No one yelled. No one was mean or critical or wanted something from me. I could just play and be a kid. It was great.

I Was a Self-Soothing Heavy User

I think I’ve always done this in one way or another

The healthier kids found comfort in being close to others, but not me. Not then at least.

My story was about Self-Soothing through all manner of thoughts and behaviors. This was how I escaped the moment. The intolerable moment.

Fantasy worked, so I stuck with it.

Over time, I added new and different means of escape. I was quite the expert on Self-Soothing and I was on a fast track to addiction.

Whether it was anxiety, boredom, anger, pain, shame, or guilt, I chose to avoid the feelings. They wouldn’t disappear, but I could avoid them.

As a kid, I needed to escape, but as an adult, I was addicted and I was missing my life.

Are you?

Are you a life-long self-soothing pro?

Do you move around from one escape behavior or thought to another?

Are you an addict playing “Whack-a-Mole” with your life?

Are you willing to set it all down and just “BE HERE NOW?”

Jeff Schultz, LPC, CSAT, is the owner and founder of the Sonoran Healing Center in Phoenix, Arizona.

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Choosing a Sex Addiction Counselor: Are You Getting the Best Care?

October 13, 2011Couples in recovery, Resources, Sex addiction recoveryjeffschultz

You’ve been discovered in your acting out behavior

… and now you must make a decision.

Do you make a real effort at recovery or do you make more promises that you hope you can keep?

This time you decide well and choose to do whatever it takes to get and stay Sexually Sober.

This Includes Counseling.

Whether you were discovered, you disclosed, or the shame of acting out has brought you to your bottom, your choice of a sex addiction counselor is among the most important decisions you will make.

Begin your search with the two national organizations that know the problem of sex addiction best, the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) and the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH).

Both of these groups have a therapist list organized by city and zip code.

Build your list of names to call

The length of your list will depend largely on where you live.

There just aren’t many qualified sex addiction treatment specialists around.

Decades ago, the alcoholic had few places to turn other than the state hospitals. Now treatment for alcoholism is much more available. Let’s hope sex addiction treatment takes a similar course.

Ready to make some calls?

Here are some things to ask:

Do you have experience working with people struggling with out of control sexual behaviors?

Kind of a “duh” question, but you might be surprised to know how often this question isn’t asked.

Do you have any formal training in the treatment of sex addiction?

Plenty of the wrong kind of experience is not much help. How did this person come to do this work and how did they learn?

What is your approach to treatment.

You really don’t want your counselor to be “winging it.” Look for someone who is connected to a professional community and who can explain their approach.

Are you experienced in working with couples in crisis related to sex addiction?

The harm of betrayal in a committed relationship is deep and painful. Has your counselor worked with couples or couples issues in this early stage of recovery?

Are you experienced with couple’s issues like safety, disclosure, sexual boundaries, and especially trauma?

This is important stuff. Too few counselors understand these things. Find one who does.

This isn’t the time to share your whole story. This is the time to ask questions.

Could you see yourself speaking openly with this person?

Don’t be afraid to “trust your gut.”

Give the counselors a chance to call you back and then make your best decision, but be sure that you make a decision. You may “lose your nerve” in a day or two, so get yourself scheduled as soon as possible and get started on your recovery.

Now is a good time to get started!

Jeff Schultz, LPC, CSAT, is the owner and founder of the Sonoran counseling servicesin Phoenix, Arizona.

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What Every Sex Addict Needs to Know About the 12-Steps

October 13, 2011Healthy sexuality, Resources, Sex addiction recovery, Symptoms, problems, causesjeffschultz

Work the Steps!

You’ve made a decision to do whatever it takes to get and stay sexually sober. You have a therapist who understands sex addiction. You’re accountable for your behavior and you take responsibility for your fantasy. Your computers and phones have filtering software and you’ve removed any and all of the pornography from your home and office. You participate in a sex addiction therapy group and you go to regular “S” Anonymous meetings (SAA, SA, SLAA). You even have a sponsor.

So why haven’t you worked all the 12-Steps?

Failing to make the steps a priority leaves out the “cornerstone” of your sexual addiction recovery. Here are a few things you need to know about the 12-Steps.

You need to know that “working the 12-Steps” is among the top five things that sex addicts in long term recovery report are “most important” to their sexual sobriety.
You need to know that the number one “most important” item on that same list is a relationship with a “Higher Power.” That means God. Sex can’t be your higher power - it doesn’t work anymore. By the way, no one will preach to you.
You need to know that “surrender” is not “submission.” Surrender is not weakness. Surrender is strength and takes courage. You don’t submit or grovel to anyone. Take the third step and make a decision to surrender. Find out the difference.
You need to know that the 12-Steps shouldn’t take months or even weeks to work through. Spend an afternoon with your sponsor and complete the first three steps. Work the fourth and fifth steps the next day and steps six through eight that evening. Make your amends (step nine) and move into the steps of daily living (10, 11, and 12) in the following days.
You need to know that being “…fearless and thorough” doesn’t mean perfect. You get to do this work again and again and you get to live life according to these principles with intimacy and integrity.
You need to know that your experience will help others only when you have an experience. Do this work for yourself and your recovery and then carry the message in your group. Your group needs your recovery.

These are just a few of the things that you need to know about the 12-Steps in sex addiction recovery.

Have a great meeting!

Jeff Schultz, LPC, CSAT, is the owner and founder of the Sonoran Healing Center in Phoenix, Arizona.

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